The SevenPerCent Solution
by kimirasarielle
Summary: Finally, there is a solution to all of Hogwarts' relationship problems! That's right, a world-renowned speaker is coming to talk at the school! Now, if only Ron wasn't in love with Hermione who's in love with Harry who's in love with...


       As Harry and Ron stepped out of Divination glumly reflecting on the fact that Harry would soon die for the tenth time, Hermione came bounding down the hallway.

       Ron blinked.  "Oy, Hermione.  What's wrong?  You look like a hamster on steroids…"

       "A *hamster*?" asked Harry with a confused look.

       "Oh!  You'll never guess!" belted Hermione without really noticing what they had said.  "There's a special guest speaker in the hall…  One time only!  Come on, we have to go! 

       And so it was that our three heroes found themselves sometime later…

       "Now!" screamed the speaker.  "I know you're all wizards and witches.  And you think you're special!  Indeed!  Why?  Because you can cast a spell?  Because you can levitate things?  Because you can mix a potion that would make you have an enormously large-"  The Head Boy, standing next to him, gave him an elbow in the stomach.  "Ow!  Where was I?  Oh, that's right.  Well you're all really a bunch of wimps!  That's right, you wimps!  I can do things you would never dream of doing!  Just you wait!  You'll see!  I'm going to make them all sorry they were ever…  *cough*  Yes, well…  Anyway, I'm here to give a class on resolving your relationship problems.  Who would like to be first?"

       Stunned by this onslaught, Ron leaned over to Hermione.  "Say, who is the guest speaker, anyway?"

       "I dunno.  Sounds kind of daft, doesn't he."

       "You don't know *anything* about him?" Ron asked, astonished.  "You mean you haven't looked him up in some textbook or something and memorized everything about him?"

       "No.  All I've heard is that he's supposed to be very famous, possess otherworldly powers surpassed by no one else from his realm, and so devastating handsome that he has millions of girls chasing after him all the time?"

       Harry leaned over and showed them a flyer he had picked up off the floor.  "Look, it says right here who he is: Generic Anime Guy with Superhero Powers who is Constantly Chased After by Every Girl Who Lays Eyes On Him."

       Ron looked confused.  "What's an uh-nimmy?  Is that like a Bulgarian nickname for Hermione or something?"

       Unfortunately, the Generic Anime Guy seemed to have noticed the three of them chatting away and not listening to them, so he threw out a yell.  "HEY!  YOU THREE!  GET YOUR ARSES UP HERE RIGHT NOW, YOU LITTLE-"  He was elbowed again, and fell silent, but his glare conveyed the point that he still expected the three of them to come up to him.  A little nervously, Hermione walked up to the front of the hall, followed by Ron and Harry, who were flat-out frightened by the man's obvious insanity.  That and his large glowing battle aura, which threatened to be *so* bright it even blocked out the tendrils of Flames From Hell that he had chosen to decorate the ceiling during his speech.

       _"Hey, is that a cute little ducky?  …  Looks rather like a piggy to me  …  Oh you're insane!  It's a hedgehog!"_  Okay, so maybe the attending Hogwarts students didn't find it quite so frightening, but still, you have to admit you've probably never seen anything as amazing as the Looks Like Whichever Animal You Think Is Cutest battle aura before.  It could probably explain why the guest speaker seemed to be trying to act as mean as possible; overcompensating for something here…  (Nothing physical of course.  He's quite all right that way, why else would all the ladies love him?  I mean, the cute animal thing is a plus, but a guy's got to be able to pull off the rest of the bit too.)

       Hermione, Ron, and Harry had finally reached the scary guy, and stopped just in front of him.  He *glared* at them.  "So, you're the ones who cause all the trouble around here, huh?"

       Startled, Ron said weakly, "Err, what?  I mean, we get into lots of fixes and things but they aren't our fault."

       "Oh!  No!  I just knew it!"  Hermione looked ready to burst into tears.  "I should have never listened to you two!  Let's go after this demon, or this dragon, or let's all go down into the Potions dungeon and see what kind of potions Snape has for when you're feeling really horny…  I…"

       "HORNY???" Harry yelled.  "WE NEVER WENT DOWN INTO THE POTIONS DUNGEON WITH YOU TO FIND A POTION FOR THAT!!!"  Ron simply stared at Hermione, flabbergasted.  Hermione seemed to be trying to discover how much like a fish she could look like; a very very red fish who was also trying to melt into the floor.

       "Ooopppsss…" she stammered meekly.

       "SO WHO *DID* YOU GO DOWN INTO THE DUNGEON WITH???"

       "Ummm…  I don't remember…  Uhh…  *Not* Neville of course, umm…"

       "NEVILLE?"

       The Anime Guy, not very happy about being forgotten during all the commotion, regarded them with suspicion, and suddenly, a very broad smile lit up on his face.  "Well then, I know just what I have to do!"

       "Popcorn!  Get your popcorn!" yelled someone in the Hall.  "Chili Dogs!  You don't want to be hungry as you watch the Main Threesome get their lives horribly screwed over!"  Over at the side wall, one of the Slytherins was taking bets on who would end up engaged to whom.  He was a Muggle-born (odd trait for a Slytherin, I know, but you'll understand why) who had previously been a big fan of anime, and he knew *exactly* what was going to happen.  He had watched Ranma ½ thousands of times, and he really identified with Nabiki, oddly enough.  Although his non-wizard friends had assured him time after time that a Japanese schoolgirl uniform and a paperboy haircut just did not suit him at all.

       Anime Guy walked up to Harry and poked him square in the middle of the chest.  This was intimidating, considering that Anime Guy's arms were about as thick as Hagrid's, and that one could literally see the veins popping out of his arms.  "You!" he bellowed.  "You were the cause of all this, weren't you?  You're always the one in the center of anything, the one who trouble always seems to seek out, the one who's always the best at everything and who's always just *magically*-"  He turned to the audience.  "No offense of course.  Magically managing to come up with new techniques and ideas and strategies all the time so that you always come out on top!  Aren't you???"

       Harry, for once in his life, looked very small and frightened as he tried to shrink as far away as possible from the crazed Anime Man.  Hermione just looked confused.  "Wouldn't that make him just like you, though?  I mean, you're Generic Anime Guy with Superhero Powers who is Constantly Chased After by Every Girl Who Lays Eyes On Him."

       Anime Man managed to look sheepish despite his large bulky size.  "Well, this is supposed to be a secret, but…"

       Ron found his voice for once.  "It's okay!  Tell us!  We won't let anybody know!" while thinking to himself, _Geez, he's finally got his voice down to a normal speaking volume, maybe if we let him tell us whatever his secret is he'll shut up and my migraine'll go away._

       "Well…  You see, I haven't always been Generic Anime Guy with Superhero Powers who is Constantly Chased After by Every Girl Who Lays Eyes On Him.  In fact, I used to be Generic Arch-Nemesis of Generic Anime Guy with Superhero Powers who is Constantly Chased After by Every Girl Who Lays Eyes On Him, the One Who is in Love with the Girl Who Is Secretly the Object of Generic Anime Guy with Superhero Powers who is Constantly Chased After by Every Girl Who Lays Eyes On Him's Affection, and Who Will Try his Whole Life to Measure up to or Best in Combat Generic Anime Guy with Superhero Powers who is Constantly Chased After by Every Girl Who Lays Eyes On Him, but to No Avail."

       Everyone in the hall had taken on a glazed look except for Hermione and the Slytherin guy, and Hermione nodded along with a sense of understanding.  "But then how did you end up looking the way you do now, and acting like this, if that's who you used to be?"

       Anime Man turned a slight shade of red.  "Well, you see, there was this little accident involving a cursed spring, several alien females in power-suppression casts, a magical sword, and a talking tree…"

       Harry had recovered from his lots of big words-induced stupor, and stared at the scary Anime Guy.  "But what does any of this have to do with me?"

       The well-defined Anime Guy clad in a nice tight (!!!) gi clapped Harry on the back, making him start coughing and causing Hermione to come to his rescue.  "Well, you see, I've got this whole plan worked out here!  When I was just a wee little lad plotting how best to destroy Generic Anime Guy with Superhero Powers who is Constantly Chased After by Every Girl Who Lays Eyes On Him, I thought to myself…"

       (Picture a wee little well-defined Anime Guy clad in a nice tight gi.  Oh come on, surely it can't be *that* difficult.  I mean, I know the adult version is much more appealing, but you'll just have to use your imagination here.)  "Hmmm…" speaks the wee little Arch-Nemesis.  "If only everyone could be paired off nicely and neatly in such a way that they'd all be happy and content with their lives!  I mean, things would be so much easier that way!  No more fighting or arguing, or Chinese memory potions, or mecha battles, or evil minions chasing people around everywhere!  Wouldn't everyone be happier if that all stopped?"

       "…and so, I decided that that would be the only thing to do!" he concluded, crossing his arms across his yummy muscular chest (!!!) and looking very pleased with himself.

       "But I don't understannnnddddd!" whined Hermione with the annoying qualities of that girl who sits next to one in chemistry class and always asks one questions all the time about how to do such and such a problem, or wanting to check all the answers on such and such a worksheet, or so on.  Well okay, so it's not *that* annoying when one has to answer all those questions, in fact, it's nice to be able to expect *someone* to call one on the phone every now and then, even if it *is* just about homework, at least they bloody well *care* enough to call!  And no one else seems to bother!  You know, what if one just decided someday that one was sick of not being cared about, and not being appreciated, and one decided to punish oneself by dedicating ones life to spreading the joys of marching band throughout the world???  I'd bet they'd all be really sorry then!  "I mean, characters in animes are never supposed to act rationally and actually consider what real normal people would do if they were in the same situation.  Neither are characters in books, for that matter!"

       "Ah, see, that's why I'm here.  Now…"  The burly (although in an attractive way) man turned toward Ron.  "What do you think about putting your sister together with Draco Malfoy?"

       Ron and Harry both exploded.  "MALFOY???" choked Ron.  "ARE YOU BONKERS???  ARE YOU MAD???  HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND???  ARE YOU AN ESCAPEE FROM THE LOONY BIN???  ARE YOU WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO TAKE YOU AWAY HO HO HEE HEE HA HA TO THE FUNNY FARM, WHERE-"  Harry elbowed Ron.

       "I understand your reaction, Ron, but I think he gets the point."  Green eyes blazing, he turned to Anime Guy.  "Now what's this absolute load of bull about fixing Ginny up with that two-faced Slytherin creep?"

       "Yeah, that's what I wanted to know," drawled a slow voice from the back of the Hall.  Looking very irritated, Malfoy took quick steps up to the front, where the Famous Three and Anime Man where standing.  "What in the world do you think would be able to possess me that I might waste any of my attention on that skinny little *Weasley*?"

       Anime Man blinked.  "Oh, so you're all here, then?"  He was right.  Every single little two-bit character that had ever graced the pages of a Harry Potter book was present.  Not all of them were important enough to merit having all their problems fixed by the extremely competent-looking man currently speaking, however.  "Well that's good.  Now, back to the question at hand…  Oh!  That's right!  Ginny!"  He stared at Malfoy curiously.  "But don't you like Ginny?"

       Nearly exploding, Malfoy shouted, "ARE YOU INSANE!  SHE'S A *WEASLEY*!  *LIKE* HER??  NEVER!!"

       Anime Man scratched his chin for a minute, and then showing a real stroke of genius, he stopped trying to pursue whatever thoughts he was having and turned to Hermione.  "So this isn't one of those universes where Ginny and Malfoy end up going out?"

       She stared back at him blankly.  "Ginny and *Malfoy*?  Are you insane?"

       "Hahahaha…  Well I guess that makes me a little bit behind the times, then.  Would anyone mind filling me in on who's interested in who around here?"

       "Well," Ron piped up, "I'm in love with Hermione!"

       She threw him a look of distaste.  "Yes, well, I'm hopelessly head-over-heels for Harry over here."

       "Ah!  And Harry!  Do you reciprocate Hermione's feelings!  That would make a lovely coupling there!"

       Harry looked horrified.  "Do I *reciprocate*?  Are you daft?  I'm not in love with Hermione!"

       Hermione looked miffed by this, but it seemed as if she had already known.  Anime Man regarded this curiously.  "Hey, none of you seem surprised by any of this!  Does everyone here know who everyone else is hooked on?"

       "Well," drawled Malfoy with a smirk, "Harry here can't *wait* to get into the pants of Ron.  Hermione was talking to him once and with an effort to accommodate everyone's wishes, she tried to arrange a threesome, but it was a no go with both Harry and Ron.  They only like that sort of thing when it's two girls and a guy."  He looked thoughtful.  "Well actually, Harry might like an all-guy get together…"

       "You're just peeved because I told you off when you were hitting on me after the Yule Ball!" hissed Harry in the direction of Malfoy.  Malfoy smirked, but hidden somewhere deep inside his beautiful (!!!) gray eyes was a glimmer of the truth: feelings of hurt and disappointment.   

       "WELL IT'S A GOOD THING YOU DID TELL HIM OFF!  IF HE SO MUCH AS LAID A HAND ON YOU…"  A glowering Colin Creevy literally gave off steam as he stomped down the middle of the hall.  "WHEN IS EVERYONE GOING TO LEARN TO KEEP THEIR HANDS OFF MY DARLING-"

       He reached out to glomp onto Harry, who was turning rather green and making frustrated noises, when Hermione raised her arm up to hit him in the nose with her fist.  "You know Harry, he is *really* annoying.  Tell me why in the world you put up with him following you everywhere all the time?"

       Harry simply shook his head meekly and shrugged as if to say he had no idea.  _Thank god, _he thought, _she doesn't know about that picture of me he's threatening to reveal to the whole school if I don't put up with his crazy little act.  I do *not* look good in beachwear drag!_

       Anime Man was standing further toward the center of the Hall than the rest of them, and talking to the various students who came up to him.  "Okay…  Ah, so you're in love with Harry too?  And you with Draco?  Parvati?  Dumbledore?  Sirius Black?  Wait, but isn't he on the most wanted list?  Oh, I see… Well then, that makes sense.  Yes.  Oh, she's very good looking.  A nice choice.  What's that you say?  Ron?  Wait a minute!"  He did a double take.  "But you're…  You're…"

       The girl stared patiently at him.  "Yes?"

       "You're his sister!  Ginny!"  He glanced wildly from brother to sister.  "Did you *know* about this??"

       "Well, she's not actually my sister," said Ron calmly.

       "WHAT??"

       "That's right!" Ginny concluded happily.  "I'm only his half-sister.  I mean, they always say that the father determines the sex of the children, right?  And after six boys, you think one girl is going to be born?  Please.  Mum went off and had an affair with…"  She blushed.  "Well, sorry, I can't tell you exactly who."

       "Oh bugger, Ginny."  Ron turned conspiratorially to Anime Man.  "It was James Potter, Harry's dad.  When Ginny found out she just didn't feel that comfortable pursuing Harry anymore."

       "What??  But she's *your* half sister too!"

       Hermione had the good grace to come to Anime Man's rescue.  He was obviously not completely wise in the ways of the wizarding world, at least this one.  "Oh, come on.  Don't you know?  They're both from the Burrow.  That whole area is about the equivalent of Tennessee or Kentucky in the United States.  As long as someone's a half-sibling at the most, they're fair game.  It's okay for Ginny to have a crush on Ron, but Harry's not from the Burrow, so he's not available.  It just wouldn't flow right."

       After listening for several more minutes to the mind-splitting comments of the whole Hogwarts gang, Anime Man burst out yelling.  "THAT'S IT!  I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!  YOU…  YOU BLOODY ENGLISH KIDS…  YOU DRIVE ME *MAD*!"  

       As you will find by reading _Hogwarts, a History_, England's resident wizardry school is holds many amazing qualities.  It's filled with protections against the Dark Arts, apparating on or off of school property, and pretty much everything you can think of.  Dumbledore even considered once putting a McDonald's in down in the dungeons, but decided not to because no one would like a bunch of fat little witches and wizards, now would they?  No, the Hogwarts school is a thing of wonder.  

       Unfortunately, it does not have any protection against ki attacks.  And thus, everyone inside the school on that fateful day met with an untimely end.  But you have to wonder, was that really such a bad thing?

       Elsewhere, the evil minion looked anxiously at his lord.  "Master…  I was wondering…"

       The hooded figure turned to glare at him.  "WHAT IS IT, WORMTAIL???"

       Shrinking back, the smaller man gasped out, "Well…  I was wondering…  What are we going to do now that Harry Potter and Dumbledore and all of them are dead?"

       The Dark Lord, with a smirk, drawled, "Exactly what we've been doing all these years, you worthless git."

       Wormtail blinked.  "And that would be?"

       A spark glinted in Voldemort's eye, as he threw back his cloak and subjected his servant to the horrifying view not even spending years as a rat had gotten him used to.  The Dark Lord's large pink ears twitched, and he lifted a hand to rub his whiskers as he stared out of the bars of the tower he was standing in.  "The same thing we do every Harry Potter book, Wormtail.  TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!"  Throwing his head back, the denizen of pure evil laughed and laughed as theme music played softly in the background.

       _He's evil.  He's evil and insane sane sane sane sane sane sane sane sane._

NARF!


End file.
